Held captive by his carers for four weeks, let’s look at Boris Johnson’s best bits | Marina Hyde

Barring applying to join a sex cult, we must conclude there is no process as rigorous as the Tory leadership election

T-minus five days off a likely Boris Johnson premiership, I would like to thank all the Conservatives who explained exactly why putting us through the stone-cold shitshow of a campaign was so essential. It was important, these red-trousered political scientists all told us, because the process allowed the candidates to be properly tested. It didn’t happen last time, and look how that turned out.

Preach. Had we gone through the whole rigmarole in 2016, we might have found out about teenage Theresa May’s Betamax crop-circle habit before it was too late. Or that, if asked to state a preference between Midsomer Murders and Sherlock, May would one day simply reply, “I’ve watched both.” Instead, what happened, happened. I guess you don’t make that magnitude of mistake twice.

He’s deemed so vital to some alleged ‘common good’ that any level of moral defect is excusable

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Hi-de-Hi! repeats as the bad boys of Brexit meet Su Pollard

Arron Banks and Andrew Rosindell are supplying their own Brexit metaphors now, partying with the star of a show about a clapped-out 50s holiday camp full of scam artists

Behold, a wonderful and warming snap from this week’s 31-year Hi-de-Hi! cast reunion. As someone who has watched every episode of the seminal 1980s holiday camp sitcom, it is a pleasure to see old castmates back together like this. Dear Su Pollard, who played hapless chambermaid Peggy Ollerenshaw, hasn’t changed a bit. Indeed, to caption this photo, we may as well use a line from her amusingly exhaustive character biography on Holiday Rock, the Hi-de-Hi! fansite: “Peggy had a rather vivid imagination and was often easily taken in by others’ lies, particularly Ted’s ridiculous tales when he needed a cover story.”

Oh my dear me … I’m so sorry. You must forgive me. Having looked a little closer, I can see that the roly-poly funnyman in the centre of the shot is not actually check-suited Maplins comedian Ted Bovis (played by Paul Shane). I had wondered, given that he died in 2013. Instead, it seems to be self-styled Brexit bad boy Arron Banks, who started out in an act called Mississippi Minstrels. Hang on: that was Ted. My apologies again: the character biographies section of Holiday Rock is rather difficult to tear yourself away from, once you become fully enmeshed in its bygone charms. Still, whatever Mississippi Minstrels may have been, I’m sure it would make a popular skit for Arron to get up for his sort-of friend Donald Trump’s next birthday party at the president’s Floridian resort, Mar-a-Lago. Or Racist Xanadu, as I prefer to think of it.

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