The prime minister now has something in common with honey, potatoes and avocados
We begin with a fact-check. This general election campaign has officially been going on since around the mid-cretaceous period. Its final day saw an update to the list of things you shouldn’t keep in the fridge, with the likes of honey, potatoes and avocados now joined by “the UK prime minister”. All the party leaders embarked on a frantic cross-country campaigning dash on Wednesday, but only one of them … no, I’m sorry. I can’t face it yet. Give it a minute.
At dawn, Boris Johnson embarked on a sort of softcore Confessions of a Prime Minister tour, which by 10am had already seen him dress up as a milkman, then pop something in someone’s oven. What next? Pool boy? Cable guy? At this rate of innuendo it seemed reasonable to assume Johnson would simply be barebacking grateful activists live on the lunchtime news. Of course, his version of all this does subvert the classic porn trope. Traditionally, it’s a blue-collar guy coming to the suburban professional’s house while he’s out at work. In this case, it’s an old Etonian milkman knocking on the door of working-class homes. Someone’s certainly going to get screwed, but not in a sexual way.