Of course it’s safe to ease lockdown – Matt Hancock is just fixing our alert system | Marina Hyde

Right now, Britain is about as biosecure as the health secretary is convincing. But some people really want an Ikea side table

So lockdown is eased, sparking one of nature’s most stunning spectacles: the great migration of the humans across the Ikea car park. The Swedish store has replaced Wimbledon as the perfect sport for people who don’t like sport. They even have the dawn queuing. Do you have tickets this year? I’m indifferent to the furniture but I do like to watch the arguments. Seeing couples becoming a singles match over a side table is a quintessential part of British life, like cream teas and the Conservative party polling over 40%.

Meanwhile, and all of a sudden, the government has announced that some of the most vulnerable people in the country can go outside again. “Government eases lockdown for shielders”, was the big news. And it’s hard to think of a more reassuring headline for this particular group, coming from this particular government. Maybe “Government asks shielders to help them lift a sofa into the back of a van”. “Government waves from storm drain at shielders looking for their paper boats”. “Government responds to shielders saying ‘Dominic Cummings’ into a mirror three times”. “Government asks shielders to check in at a family-run motel”. “Government asks shielders to engage a 1980s Wall Street bro to take care of any household repairs/tree surgery they’ve been putting off during lockdown. Contractor will provide own nailgun and chainsaw.”

Related: Shopper numbers jump 31% as lockdown in England relaxed

Related: UK coronavirus live: Hancock announces further review into why BAME people more likely to die from coronavirus

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