This was a stunning victory for the bullshit-industrial complex | Marina Hyde

Boris Johnson is world king now. Where there is discord, let him sow his wild oats

Well. A new dawn has shat, has it not? Shortly after 7am, Boris Johnson slipped into the costume Dominic Cummings has been sewing for him out of the skins of missing statesmen. “I am humbled that you have put your trust in me,” announced the nation’s foremost liar in front of a backdrop reading “the people’s government”, as though this ideally axiomatic concept was an innovation.

With the emphasis on “a sacred trust”, this government’s senior personnel are immediately keen to stress it will be a servant of the people. I assume the specific servant it’s modelled on is Paul Burrell. They’ve already dragged the Queen into it, and will soon begin amassing the nation’s property in their attic “for safekeeping”. Brexit will be done for Christmas, with Johnson scoring a stunning victory for the bullshit-industrial complex. From the outset, the Tories decided it was more effective to pretend you’re listening to people who have doubts about you, than to invite them to fuck off and join the Labour party. But hey – everyone’s a strategist after the event.

Related: Devoid of agility, charisma and credibility, Corbyn has led Labour into the abyss | Polly Toynbee

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Fridge-hiding, the final frontier in election WTF-ery | Marina Hyde

The prime minister now has something in common with honey, potatoes and avocados

We begin with a fact-check. This general election campaign has officially been going on since around the mid-cretaceous period. Its final day saw an update to the list of things you shouldn’t keep in the fridge, with the likes of honey, potatoes and avocados now joined by “the UK prime minister”. All the party leaders embarked on a frantic cross-country campaigning dash on Wednesday, but only one of them … no, I’m sorry. I can’t face it yet. Give it a minute.

At dawn, Boris Johnson embarked on a sort of softcore Confessions of a Prime Minister tour, which by 10am had already seen him dress up as a milkman, then pop something in someone’s oven. What next? Pool boy? Cable guy? At this rate of innuendo it seemed reasonable to assume Johnson would simply be barebacking grateful activists live on the lunchtime news. Of course, his version of all this does subvert the classic porn trope. Traditionally, it’s a blue-collar guy coming to the suburban professional’s house while he’s out at work. In this case, it’s an old Etonian milkman knocking on the door of working-class homes. Someone’s certainly going to get screwed, but not in a sexual way.

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Boy on the floor photo prompts Boris to add larceny to mendacity | Marina Hyde

Faced with evidence of NHS overcrowding by a reporter, the PM simply pocketed it

“What are you getting Carrie for Christmas?” Boris Johnson was asked by BBC Radio West Midlands. And the prime minister replied: “I’m going to get Brexit done.” Wow. I feel like I know how this fairytale ends. Guest vocals by the late great Kirsty MacColl.

Yet even by his own standards of thermonuclear disingenuity, Johnson’s turn on ITV news on Monday morning reached new depths. In a fish market in Grimsby, ITV News reporter Joe Pike asked Johnson about newspaper reports featuring Jack Williment-Barr, a four-year-old boy with suspected pneumonia, who was pictured being forced to sleep on a concrete floor in an overcrowded NHS hospital this weekend. “I haven’t had a chance to look at the photo,” Johnson said. Look at it now, said Pike, who had it up on his phone. At which point Johnson simply took the reporter’s phone and stuffed it in his pocket.

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The Tories want to keep Johnson – and their scary manifesto – away from scrutiny | Marina Hyde

They would like us to view the prime minister and his policies in a political safari park – which you drive through at pace

One of our great national sports in this country is looking the wrong way. For most of this year, you could read multiple condemnatory stories a day about Meghan Markle doing this or that at Wimbledon or her baby shower or wherever – and absolutely nothing about Prince Andrew being accused of doing this or that with the then teenage sex slave of his international child-sex trafficker friend. Yoohoo, newshounds, over here!

And so to the latest helpful diversion in this endlessly entrancing general election – a row over a clip of Boris Johnson that Channel 4 News wrongly subtitled. They had the prime minister saying, “I’m in favour of having people of colour coming to this country”, when in fact he was saying “people of talent”. If you somehow missed this shitshow, it’s best summarised as “person who has said multiple racist things didn’t say this particular racist thing but the cockup has played right into his hands”. Also, you’re the UK’s last pure human. Can I come and hide out where you are for the next five days?

We know we have a prime minister who needs to be kept away from the public

Related: The ‘Boris being Boris’ shtick is a cover for racism and lies. But it’s wearing thin | Fintan O’Toole

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Scrub antisemitism out of Labour? Corbyn won’t even clean his own house

Perhaps the leader’s wife Laura Alvarez should take over the housekeeping in the party, too

Just two hours before Jeremy Corbyn’s ITV interview with Julie Etchingham aired, it emerged Boris Johnson wouldn’t be doing his version of it after all. But of course. After this election, will any politician risk doing the right thing as far as scrutiny is concerned? Another short-term win for Johnson, where we all end up the losers in the end.

“Just who is Jeremy Corbyn?” wondered the ITV programme’s opening question. “He’s just the sort of guy who likes to hang out on his allotment,” said the first commentator, “watch a film and talk about football.” Is he? When GQ asked him for his favourite film two years ago, Corbyn sighed. “I’m not a great cinema attender.” Last film he saw? “I haven’t been to the cinema in ages.” Fair to say he wasn’t a film fan, wondered the mag? “I mean, I don’t mind the cinema …”

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